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>> jon: that's our show. here it is. your moment of zen >> mr. president, mr. president! mr. president! mr. president! mr. president scham
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>> stephen: tonight, the historic second inaugural of vice-president biden. then, america gets the flu. the ratings for "the price is right" have never been higher. and i'll discuss obama's second term with editor for the atlantic, ta-nehisi coates. which one of us will be black? the answer may surprise you. [ laughter ] atari filed for bankruptcy today but they're thinking about just taking it out, blowing on it, and seeing if it'll work again. [ laughter ] this is "the colbert report." ["the colbert report" theme music captioning sponsored by comedy central playing] [cheers and applause] welcome to the show, everybody. [chowd chanting see it fen] thank you so much. thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
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[cheers and applause] welcome to tonight's simulcast. good to have you with us. [ laughter ] folks, as a broadcaster, it's my sacred responsibility to bring you the latest information that i watched on some other cable tv network. [ laughter ] [ laughter ] but frankly, today there was no real news to report. instead everbody was obsessed with something they kept calling-- >> second inauguration of barack obama. >> second inauguration. >> second inauguration. >> stephen: wrong. check your constitution. >> "president shall be inaugurated on january 20th. -4- stephen colbert is right. love, the founding fathers." he already took the oath yesterday at the white house!
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by taking it again today, obama has made himself a three-term president serving the second two terms consecutively. now to get rid of him we have to impeach him twice oh, clever girl. [ laughter ] and besides, it's his second inaugural. why the celebration? he's already president. you don't see the rest of america throwing a party when they continue to do their jobs. [ laughter ] i'll admit, i was swept up four years ago, i was moved by the first black president. [ laughter ] but come on, a second inaugural is like people who renew their wedding vows. we get it, you're married! i'm not buying you another salad bowl. [ laughter ] because nothing, nothing we give
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obama is going to be enough to satisfy this man's greed. look at how he swoar in. >> president obama will actually use three different bibles. on sunday, for the official swearing in, he will use the robinson family bible. on monday for the public inauguration, he will use the lincoln bible and martin luther king, jr.'s, traveling bible. >> stephen: that's a freaky bible three-way! and it's so transparent that old hollywood hussein over here, used lincoln's bible only to ride the popularity of spielberg's blockbuster. the same reason back in '92 clinton hopped on the "basic instinct" wagon by swearing in on sharon stone's vagina. [ laughter ] an oath he kept, by the way. [ laughter ] don't get me wrong they put on a good show with our money. you've got beyonce, kelly clarkson,
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james taylor. and i have to admit, this shows how far we've come as a nation. a black guy who likes james taylor? ♪ because i've seen fire and i've seen rain ♪ ♪ but i've never seen a black guy at your show ♪ [ laughter ] then came the presidential pride parade, with eight floats from obama and biden's home states hawaii, illinois, pennsylvania, and delaware which honored delaware by just driving through the parade on its way to somewhere else. [ laughter ] and of course, this being democrats, there had to be a liberal gay, latino poet from maine. >> my face, your face, millions of faces in morning's mirrors, each one yawning to life. [ laughter ]
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>> stephen: sorry, i was yawming to life. would it kill you to throw a rhyme in there? [ laughter ] it's a poem. it's not that hard. there once was a man name barack who's re-election came as a shock. he raised the taxes i pay and then turned marriage gay. and now he's coming after your glock. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] poet laureate, please. now, i'm not going to do a critical deconstruction of obama's partisan screed masquerading as an inaugural speech. now is not the time to criticize. i will just say this, it was a clear call for a radical, collectivist agenda. listen to this language. >> we, the people, still believe that enduring security and lasting peace do not require perpetual war.
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we, the people, still believe that every citizen deserves a basic measure of security and dignity. for we, the people-- we, the people-- we-- we-- we-- >> stephen: we, we, we. all the way home. [ laughter ] this little piggy is sick of it! socialist overreach is coming. by february we'll all be chained up in solar-powered asparagus gulags being force-fed birth control pills by illegal immigrants who gay-marry us to endangered sea turtles. [ laughter ] my advice: find a good looking turtle-mate soon; you don't want to end up with a butter-beak. [ laughter ] i just don't understand. it was not supposed to be this way. it was supposed to be day one for-- what's his name? dip chutney? [ laughter ]
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ham hockney? [ laughter ] rom comedy! [ laughter ] whatever. remember all those great things he was going to do on day one of his presidency? >> starting on day one, i am going to do what it takes to get america back to work. on day one, i will label china a currency manipulator. i will repeal obamacare, and i'll stop it in its tracks on day one. >> stephen: what coulda been! [ laughter ] instead, on day one he watched a "designing women" marathon, played fruit ninja on the toilet, and drank ranch dressing straight from the bottle. [ laughter ] still. [cheers and applause] still a pretty good day. [ laughter ] well nation, i will not sit idly by while obama rubs our noses in the will of the electorate.
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so tonight, i am re-inaugurating myself as commander-in-opposing-the-chief for an historic second term. boys, roll out the bibles! [cheers and applause] ♪ brief historical note: these bibles once belonged to lincoln nebraska's red roof inn. [ laughter ] so, here we go. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] i, the reverend sir dr. stephen t. mos def colbert, d.f.a, heavyweight champion of the world, do solemnly affirm that i will faithfully reject this president of the united states. and will, to the best of your
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knowledge, preserve, protect, and defend the constitution, and ensure he's a one two-term president. in sickness and in health, so help me god, play ball, the tribe has spoken, ba ba ba ba-da! i'm lovin' it! [cheers and applause] we'll be right back. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] for the new mattress models
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welcome back. thank you very much. folks, it's cold and flu season, and let me tell you purell just doesn't work. i've been chugging that stuff for weeks and i still feel nauseous. [ laughter ] this is the threatdown: [sirens] contagion edition. threat number 5: the flu! folks, i've had a beef with influenza ever since the early 20th century when 50 million people were killed by spanish flu. [ laughter ] you're telling me an american pathogen wouldn't do that job? [ laughter ] but this year, we could all be at risk. >> flu emergency: the worst flu season in decades and it's
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getting even worse. >> we're in the middle of a full-blown flu epidemic. >> the number of flu cases is exploding. >> all but three states now in the grip of the flu epidemic. >> the flu epidemic has people across the country scrambling for vaccinations. >> some hospitals are seeing such a high number of flu patients, that they can barely handle treating everyone. >> stephen: clearly hospitals are short staffed. no one's had time to treat that terrible rash around chuck todd's mouth. [ laughter ] and folks, just look at this global flu activity map on google trends. the u.s. is so infected, we're filling up south america with our phlegm. [ laughter ] i am chilled by warnings from the national foundation for infectious diseases, who warned that children exhale more flu germs than adults when they get sick, and they exhale it longer, making them the "great distributors of influenza virus." nation, we must quarantine our
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children immediately. [ laughter ] the government must put up buildings to sequester them. we'll group them by age, and keep them there during high activity hours, say from 8:00 to 3:00. [ laughter ] bus them if we have to! [ laughter ] but locking up your kids to avoid the flu doesn't mean you're safe. >> a new strain of a virus is quickly spreading across several countries including the united states where folks are calling it: the winter vomiting bug. >> stephen: yes, the winter vomiting bug! far worse than the spring vomiting bug, which at least gets you in shape for bikini season. [ laughter ] that's affecting scores of americans come from? jolly old england! hmm, who do we know from england who was recently vomiting? >> her royal highness is expected to stay in hospital for several days. now we learn, the duchess of cambridge is hospitalized for
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severe vomiting. >> stephen: threat number 4: kate middleton! [ laughter ] she's princess zero! typhoid queen mary! her royal hurl-ness! [ laughter ] thanks to kate, this winter vomiting bug could become a global pandemic. because kate is the ultimate trendsetter because if she can make people want to wear a plate on their head, she can make you want to wear your lunch. on your sleeve. [ laughter ] and don't think science is gonna come to the rescue. >> british researchers have created a projectile vomitting robot that mimics the symptoms of norovirus. resereachers created the projectile robot to test how far the dangerous contagion spreads everytime someone throws up. >> stephen: because if you want to study vomit spray patterns, you have two options: build a robot that pukes, or ride the subway after 2:00 am. [ laughter ]
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which brings me threat number 3: vomiting robots. [ laughter ] really, science? you know we haven't cured cancer yet, right? [ laughter ] you might want to put some of this energy into that. because once our robots are womiting, who's going to clean up after my roomba? [ laughter ] my other roomba? it'll start puking when it sees the first one blow chunks. [ laughter ] on the plus side, we finally have a robot the japanese won't want to have sex with. [ laughter ] but they should, because... >> new strains of drug restistant gonorrhea have spread to countries around the world. >> gonorrhea is beginning to outsmart our drugs. >> stephen: threat number 2: superintelligent gonorrhea! [ laughter ] a study has shown that gonorrhea has become resistant to the oral antibiotic cefixime. so if you've got vd, cefix-i-me
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will no longer ce-fix-a- you. [ laughter ] or anyone else! meaning everyone is in danger. everyone except for the number one threat to america: bears! [cheers and applause] jim? >> scientists say panda blood could help stave off illness. theyv'e discovered a powerful antibiotic that exisits in the bloodflow of giant pandas. >> stephen: that's right. pandas have super antibiotics in their blood, and all this time they were pretending they needed our protection-- "ooh, shelter us! we'll die if someone looks at us too hard!" [ laughter ] and are they offering to share their super-resistant blood? no! they're just waiting for us to be wiped off the face of the earth by super clap that won't harm them! it'll be planet of the apes, only the apes are pandas, and
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this time the planet is earth! [ laughter ] ê<
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[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. [cheers and applause]
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my guest tonight is a senior editor for "the atlantic." tonight's interview will be anything but pacific please welcome ta-nehisi coates. [cheers and applause] thank you for coming. as i said, senior edit for the atlantic right here. >> yes. >> stephen: you've got this great memoir called "a beautiful struggle" came out a few years back. highly recommend it. haven't read it. best recommendation. >> stephen: you're welcome. you are a black guy? >> i am most of the time. >> stephen: i can't tell. i don't see race. after obama was elected. i completely shut off my racial switch. people tell me i'm white and i believe them because i love james taylor. >> right. >> stephen: as a black guy -- >> right. >> stephen: are you folks -- can i say black folks.
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>> yes better than you folks. >> stephen: it's like a line insert black. >> i can go with that. >> stephen: are you still excited about this first black president thing or have you got on over that? >> as a black folk. i don't want to speak for 30 million or 40 million or whatever the number is now. >> stephen: good. >> i think we're pretty excited. >> stephen: still? >> yeah, yeah. [cheers and applause] in fact, i would go so far to say that this is bigger than the last time. >> stephen: why? >> well, because that was kind of -- no one saw it coming. cinderella tale winning the championship and this is defending the championship and we defended the champion shism black folks are excited about that. >> stephen: african-american children can now look up to barack. as a role mold.
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>> right. >> stephen: what about white children? they have to look up to joe biden, is that fair? >> no, no it's not fair but -- [ laughter ] after 400 years, you know, this is like eight years of payback right? >> stephen: excuse me, it is payback. >> you -- >> stephen: when do reparations start? thastles a socialist power grab in the speech. he is talking about ending the partisan divide. >> right. >> stephen: doesn't he have to take some of the blame? >> no. >> stephen: we had a congress and he was the variable. he was the x factor, the change. he got in there and -- >> no, no. >> stephen: suddenly we're more divide than ever. >> the mid term election in 2010, right. >> stephen: we were angry right away. >> right. >> stephen: i got angry
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extremely angry right away. because he won though. he won. >> stephen: yes. >> right. what you are saying is by winning he should have united the country. the only way to do it is by him losing. >> stephen: that would have united the country. he put his own desires above what is best for the nation average long with the people who voted for him. >> stephen: along with the people who voted for him. >> >> stephen: what? >> along with the people who voted for him. >> stephen: they wouldn't have voted for him if he didn't run again. you are the son of a member of black panthers. >> former member. >> stephen: they are not around anymore? >> no. >> stephen: do you not see them keeping white people from
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vote? >> that's different. >> stephen: you were the good black panthers? >> yes. >> stephen: were you ral callized as a child? >> yeah, i would say so. i was radicalized. >> stephen: did obama fulfill your radical april genda. >> my radicalization held that there could never be a black president. if anything obama broke my world view actually. that's, you know, what happened to america if anything it made me less less radical. i did a flip-flop on that. sawed back and forth. [ laughter ] >> stephen: as someone who has been an observer of obama's presidency -- >> right. >> stephen: can we talk about michelle obama's bangs for a second. >> yes. >> stephen: okay. what could you think? a rare misstep? >> ah -- >> stephen: don't get me wrong she

The Colbert Report
Comedy Central January 21, 2013 11:30pm-12:00am PST

Ta-Nehisi Coates News/Business. Ta-Nehisi Coates. (2013) Journalist Ta-Nehisi Coates. New. (CC)

TOPIC FREQUENCY Stephen 27, America 6, Us 5, Obama 5, England 2, Atlantic 2, James Taylor 2, Biden 2, Illinois 1, Pennsylvania 1, Maine 1, Us To Endangered Sea Turtles 1, Beyonce 1, China 1, Lincoln Nebraska 1, Tempur-pedic 1, Hawaii 1, Ba Ba Ba Ba-da 1, Lincoln Bible 1, Robinson Family Bible 1
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Duration 00:30:00
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